Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The End.


It all happened so fast. Sitting on a plane bound for Phoenix, Arizona I honestly don’t know what to say, or think, or feel. I suppose I am feeling a wave of many different emotions so my mind has just shut them all down. It is almost like I feel nothing. Yes, I am very excited to see my parents in a few hours, but I just don’t know what to feel. The night before I left, I felt like I should feel sad, but it was like I couldn’t feel sad. Now I feel like I should be excited, but I can’t. I just can’t feel anything right now. Right now (I don’t know if it is all the in-flight movies, or the C.S. Lewis book I’ve been reading) I feel as though Kazakhstan was just a dream. Like these last 6 months never really happened. I feel as though I’m going home after being gone just a short while. The feeling of not feeling is very peculiar.

In other news, I decided to go horseback riding on Sunday. All the trotting made my butt very sore and since I have been sitting on a plane for the past 20 hours, you can imagine how it is feeling now. I can’t wait to be out of a plane. The process of traveling used to really bother me. I used to hate long car rides and flights, but now they don’t really bother me. I can see myself in the future sitting on a plane like I am now, typing away at my computer. The future... Now that is something that I have been trying to put out of my mind. Never before in my life have I been so unsure about my future plans. Now, however, I look forward to discussing them in depths with some close friends and my parents.

I feel like I should go out with a bang, like my final blog should say something super profound or have a heartwarming story. But, I am honestly at a loss for words. I feel like it shouldn’t be over, yet it is. I don’t know if I’m ready to get back into the monotony of school, yet I am. I feel like how I felt on my flight to Kazakhstan—completely uncertain about what was ahead of me, but holding onto the hand of Jesus and diving into the adventure.

Earlier I was fearing that I would forget Kazakhstan. That since these past 6 months have felt like a dream, I would soon forget all of my experiences. When I really think about it though, I know this is not true. I have over a thousand pictures and these 150 pages of blogs reminding me of all my experiences. I have changed.

Steven and I decided to put on the same clothes to go home as we had on when we left to Kazakhstan (that is, except for Kazakhstan t-shirts) and we were joking in the taxi on the way to the airport that we are going back as we came. Yelena smiled as she told us we are going back completely different. She’s right. I’m going back the same on the outside (also save the hair) as I came, but on the inside I am different. How have I changed? What is different about me? I honestly am not sure. I think it will take some time to find out. Once I’m back in my “natural habitat” the people who used to know me well will call out all the differences and I will be able to see my “new” self more clearly.

So what about Kazakhstan? I could write a lengthy book on all my experiences, on all the things I learned, and the wonderful people I met. But in the great picture of life, Kazakhstan is like one page in my book. However, it will be a treasured page—a glowing page that I will go back and read frequently. I made friends there that I will have for the rest of my life and experienced things that I will be talking about until the day I die. As for you. Whether you read a few blogs, or you were a faithful follower, I want to say thanks. I told you straight out that this blog was more for me than it was for you, but I hope you enjoyed the ride and were able to get something out of it. I really enjoyed sharing all of this with you. I suppose now I will make a new blog, for a new adventure. It’s time to turn the page.

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