Saturday, March 27, 2010

Fiery Passion


It is 4:00am. No, I didn’t wake up early—I still haven’t gone to bed. This is a bad habit. I had broken it. I was going to bed consistently at 12 or 1 many nights, but I have fallen back into the vicious cycle of 3 or 4. I like staying up late. I like how quiet it is. The world is asleep and I get to stay up obsessing about life. It’s my time where I get to pour out my frustrations and anger to God and He gets to smile, nod His head, and listen. I like that God is not afraid of my emotions.

This was a good week. My schedule was messed up because of the holidays so I ended up having to teach on Friday. I was at the center from 3:30-8:30. I realize that is only 5 hours, but its more than I’m used to doing on a Friday. Before I went to work I ended up scrambling trying to write quizzes for idioms and grade writing assignments. We had nothing prepared for Friday Club either, but somehow it all came together in the end. I finished class right at 6:30 (which is the time Friday Club starts) and I quickly thought of a little game that we could start with; during this game Steven made discussion questions; during the movie I printed off another activity involving some Proverbs; at the end we had a very successful meeting. I actually kind of liked having a busy Friday. It was an opportunity to get into my work.

In life we long for freedom and security, but we rarely find both. Most people work in a steady job with all their fancy benefits and get a consistent paycheck every two weeks and feel secure. Many people long for the government to step in and take care of them—this will make them feel secure. But, in this process of gaining comfy, cozy security we often give up freedom—the power to do what we want when we want. So logically we have to find a balance, however most people do not live in the balance, they live in the extremes. Think about your life; you’re probably secure, but if you wanted to pick up and go to a different state and do a different job, could you? Would you? I was thinking how lucky I am to be here in Kazakhstan. I am young, and here I have this opportunity to be both secure and free. Something I am cherishing, because soon it will be all gone. When I go back to school, I will be secure with my cafeteria account balance and my curfew-enforced dorm, but my freedoms will be gone. When I graduate school I will be able to do whatever I want, but until I find some sort of job, I will have no security.

While this perfect balance of freedom and security is ruling in my life, I still have problems. This week I have been struggling with an unsettling problem—I lack passion. I like teaching English, but it is a hard job to get passionate about. I realize that my personality, my being, yearns for passion. Whatever I do in life, wherever I go, I need passion. I’m not talking about comfy, cozy passion either. I am not talking about contained passion, but rather bursting, fiery passion that flows through my veins and ignites my soul. I need passion. I need a girl to love, a job to throw myself into, a child to hold, a God to serve, a family to fellowship with. I need to feel energy coming out from inside me, enthusiasm driving me, love welling up within me, and joy consuming me.

Take a second to reflect. What are you passionate about? Are you living in fanatical passion? Why not? I have decided to read 8 books in less than 3 months as well as work on some big writing projects. In one of those books I found a quote that has really shaped my thinking. John Eldridge in “Wild at Heart” tells me that I shouldn’t think about what this world needs. Instead I should think about what inspires me, ignites me, gets the passion flowing in me, because what this world needs is people that are passionate. That’s hardly an exact quote, but it summarizes his main point. So this morning, with wide eyes, but a tired mind I am praying for passion. For the ability to fall in love with my students and teach English like it’s a matter of life and death. For the ability to get excited for going back to school, and for the ability to get so caught up in every moment that I stop thinking about my future. I get so caught up with planning, so caught up with pondering, that I think about life while it passes me by. I’m tired of thinking. I want to live it—to live life in fervent, zealous, fanatical, obsessive passion. Passion that drives me to love like Jesus and overflow with pure, senseless joy.I am searching for passion...

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