Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Looking Ahead with Darkened Eyes


I am feeling odd. Normally, I sit down and do lay my fingers on the keys and let blog entries flow out, but tonight I am having a bit of trouble. I am in a mood where I actually feel like writing, but nothing will come. The vast sea of white, blank pages are haunting. Since I am at a loss, I suppose I should just start telling you about my day and the rest should come.

Today was quite good. I had to wake up early, which of course I am not a fan of, especially since everyone knows I didn’t get to bed until an extremely unreasonable hour (It’ll be a quandary readjusting to real life when I go back home, but luckily I don’t have to worry about that quite yet). Today was Wednesday and that means lunch at the girl’s place. Steven and I pranced through the city with ease today. We got on the right bus right away, found seats, didn’t get mashed in a corner by any babushkas, got off at the right stop without asking any intimidating Kazakh man, and got to the girls’ apartment without having to call for a reminder. I feel competent, and it’s a nice feeling to have.

Emily prepared some delicious soup with homemade noodles and Gina brought treats from her recent vacation from Thailand. Mangos! And they were delicious. After enjoying some time together, we headed to our separate centers and did our job. Teaching was pretty typical today, but by the time it was half over I felt uneasy and wanted to go home. It’s already almost time for final exams (next week). That means stress, for me and my students. One thing is for sure—I have an addiction to cookies. Today we got to work early and I was hungry so I went to a nearby shop and but some butter cookies that had some dry fruit (after all, I need something to go with my steaming cup of tea). That may not be bad, but then I came home and ate a third of a box of Oreos (after all, I need something to go with my steaming cup of hot chocolate)! (Thanks again cousin Bob!) And I know tomorrow morning will be filled with coffee, chocolates, and more cookies! I think it’s safe to say—I’m in love with cookies.

But, on a more serious note, I’ve been thinking about time—cursed time who waits for no man—who topples our dreams, dries up our success, and withers our bones—who makes men out of boys and graves out of men—who crumbles buildings and wears away all evidences of things good and things bad. (Sorry for the drama, it just spills out, I’ll move on) I have been thinking recently that I am going to turn 20 this year. My parents are climbing past a half a century, and my brothers are well into their second decade. Age is a frightful melody, but yet it holds no more weight than an ordinary number. I know that 20 is not old, not by any means, and I am thankful to have made it through my young adult years alive thus far. The thing about 20 is that it bears much to think about. In the first two decades of my life I have had so many experiences. Experiences that have changed me, shaped me, molded me, and refined me. I think of my spiritual journey, my romantic journey, my mental and emotional journey. I think of my childhood, my innocence, and my loss of innocence. 20 years is a big milestone. These first two decades bear my childhood, my maturing—they bear my entrance into one reality and my exit out of another. I say all of this, and think about all of this because of what lies ahead. The future is coming. If I live to see the next 20 years of my life, which I pray I will, and if my life follows a somewhat typical human course, this means that I am looking forward to a marriage, the birth/adoption of children, the entrance into a lifetime career, and other events/decisions of colossal proportions. I think that’s why everybody sort of goes crazy in their teenage/young adult years. We are going through great physical and mental growth and we look up only to see the next few years covered with millions of unconnected dots—filled with life-defining decisions, mile-high expectations, and uncertainty that leaves you dazed and dumbfounded. These are my thoughts about youth and my days. Solomon said to enjoy them, because soon they’ll be gone, and they will be vanity just like everything else under the sun (Ecclesiastes 12). So I am going to find someone I love, a career that I love, I am going to invest in the people and the things I love, and I am going to ultimately remember my Creator, Love in all its fullness, Love that defines reality, and I am going to live in this Love. For the moment, I will not worry about the great events that lie ahead, but will stand in awe and fear of the One who is so much greater than I.

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