Friday, February 5, 2010

Playing Hide and Seek with the Man in the Mirror


It’s 7 degrees outside. Fahrenheit. That is far below freezing. The ground is caked with layers of clean, white powder. It seemed to snow for 2 days straight. I love it outside, everything is so beautiful, but it’s cold. I sat in my kitchen earlier today and watched as the flakes twirled to the ground. I kept trying to focus on one, but as soon as I could focus on it, it would land among the billions of other flakes that were already in heaps on the ground. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get my eyes to focus directly on one little snowflake for more than a second. Then I started to ponder a Being that could. A Being that could sit at this very table and look out that window and be able to focus on all of the falling snowflakes at the same time. That same Being while focusing on each individual flake could know its unique pattern and see exactly where it will land, and exactly where it has come from. Even if I had a million eyes, I couldn’t do that. I don’t have the brain power to focus on millions of objects at a time, and a Being that would have that kind of power would be rather frightening. I started thinking about God and just how big He is. I started thinking about all the power He has. Western culture has done well at turning God into a giant, fluffy teddy bear and if you pull the string attached to his back back and perform the right rituals at the right time, blessings are dispensed out of his mouth like Pez. The God I know in my head and heart is not a teddy bear. Sure, He is loving and good in every sense of the word, but He’s big, He’s powerful and if He breathes on you the wrong way you might be catapulted across the galaxy. I’m amazed at how the world got so narrow-minded about such a wide and wonderful Being.

Friday club went well today, I also got some more clothes washed. I woke up late. I like waking up late sometimes, I mean why not? Who’s to tell me I can’t? I finish everything that needs to be done and I like having my time at night. Some people seem to think that good, godly, successful people go to bed at a decent hour and wake up early. In that sense, I guess I’m not good, or godly, and I never really thought my chances at worldly success were very good.

Most people don’t understand me, and I don’t blame them because I haven’t got to the point where I really understand me either. If you ask me who I am, I have a few bullet points memorized, but they mostly just sound good. I don’t know who I am and I am okay with that for now. I am 19 years old. I don’t have to know exactly who I am and I think I’ve come to the realization that teenagers don’t really search for who they are like they say they do, they rather search for who they want to be. With all these choices we have today, it’s not an easy question to answer. I was hoping to solve this problem while I am on this great adventure, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that all I’m doing is getting more unanswered questions and finding out more about myself that I don’t know how to explain. I think most “young people” go through what I’m going through and have similar thoughts, but some get the lucky pass. They either get the lucky pass or they just never really enter reality, I’m not sure which one it is yet. Many things are happening in my world and I find new things to worry about and new things to think about every day. I admire the complexity of my existence, but at the same time I grieve over the complexity of this world. I realize all of this is getting very deep and a bit blurry, but I am a bit troubled tonight. I don’t understand many things, many people for that matter, but I at least try to be sensitive to what’s around me. I was hit today with a giant blow of insensitivity and rather than stinging, it just made me mad. So I sit here tonight in a less-than-enthusiastic mood feeling quite solemn and trying to regain my optimistic composure. I encourage you all to be sensitive and I long to see the time and place where everyone (including myself) follows the Golden Rule.

1 comment: